Funny Jokes Using the F Word
Title
Funny Jokes Using the F Word
Creator
Jacob Schlitt
Description
"Jokes are supposed to be told, not read."
Date
2011
Format
application/pdf
Type
text
Language
en
Identifier
Funny_Jokes_Using_the_F_Word
Text
Funny Jokes Using the F Word
Jokes are supposed to be told, not read. They are part of the oral tradition. Two of the following jokes are adapted from Old Jews Telling Jokes. But since I am writing, not telling these jokes, this is the best I can do.
1. A woman goes into a vegetable store and asks for a pound of broccoli. The clerk tells her that they don’t have any broccoli; how about a pound of spinach. The woman says she would like a pound of broccoli. The clerk repeats, they don’t have broccoli; maybe she would like a pound of string beans. The woman smiles and repeats she would like a pound of broccoli. The clerk asks her to spell cat as in catalogue. The woman says C A T. The clerk then asks her to spell dog as in dogmatic. The woman answers D O G. The clerk asks her to spell fuck as in broccoli. The woman looks surprised and answers, “ There is no fuck in broccoli.” The clerk nods his head and says, “That’s what I have been trying to tell you.”
2. An elderly Jewish woman enters a bus, walks past the driver and the fare box, sits down, opens The Forward and begins to read her paper. The driver calls out to her: “Lady, you have to pay the fare.” She doesn’t pay any attention. The driver repeats: “Lady, this bus ain’t moving until you pay the fare.” She continues to ignore him. The driver turns to the passengers and asks if anyone on the bus speaks Jewish. A man gets up and says he speaks Jewish. The driver asks him to tell the lady that she has to pay the fare. He goes over to her and says, “Bubbe, ihr darf areynvarfn gelt in de pishka,” (You have to pay the fare.) She looks at him and says, “Ikh vays.” (I know.) “Fuck him.”
The next two, were told with accents ( the first, Italian; the second French Canadian), and are about honeymoon couples on a train. The jokes are funny without the accents, but not without the f word:
3. A couple, Luigi and Virginia, on their honeymoon, were taking the train from New York to Miami. They had reserved a sleeping compartment, and packed a basket with food and wine to enjoy on the trip. They were in the club car and decided to have a bite. When they opened the basket, the conductor told them, no eating. Food is to be consumed in the dining car. They moved to the dining car. When they took out the wine, the conductor told them that drinking alcoholic beverages is to be done in the bar car. They moved to the bar car. The hour was getting late and they decided to go to their sleeping compartment and consummate their marriage. As they got into bed, the conductor announced, “No fuck Virginia.”
4. A couple, Pierre and Marie, on their honeymoon, were taking the train from Bangor, in central Maine, to Caribou, in northern Maine. They had reserved a sleeping compartment and were enjoying the sights, but Pierre was anxious to consummate the marriage. He kept urging Marie to come with him to their compartment, but she demurred. This was her first time on an overnight train and she was having a grand time looking out the window and wandering through the cars. She kept ignoring Pierre’s urging. However, there was a problem on the tracks, and the train kept stopping every few miles. Marie had entered the club car and was sitting behind two hunters who were getting more and more upset about the delays. She heard one of them say, “Damn it, by the time we get to Caribou the fucking season will be over.” Marie rushed back, grabbed Pierre and jumped into bed.
Jokes are supposed to be told, not read. They are part of the oral tradition. Two of the following jokes are adapted from Old Jews Telling Jokes. But since I am writing, not telling these jokes, this is the best I can do.
1. A woman goes into a vegetable store and asks for a pound of broccoli. The clerk tells her that they don’t have any broccoli; how about a pound of spinach. The woman says she would like a pound of broccoli. The clerk repeats, they don’t have broccoli; maybe she would like a pound of string beans. The woman smiles and repeats she would like a pound of broccoli. The clerk asks her to spell cat as in catalogue. The woman says C A T. The clerk then asks her to spell dog as in dogmatic. The woman answers D O G. The clerk asks her to spell fuck as in broccoli. The woman looks surprised and answers, “ There is no fuck in broccoli.” The clerk nods his head and says, “That’s what I have been trying to tell you.”
2. An elderly Jewish woman enters a bus, walks past the driver and the fare box, sits down, opens The Forward and begins to read her paper. The driver calls out to her: “Lady, you have to pay the fare.” She doesn’t pay any attention. The driver repeats: “Lady, this bus ain’t moving until you pay the fare.” She continues to ignore him. The driver turns to the passengers and asks if anyone on the bus speaks Jewish. A man gets up and says he speaks Jewish. The driver asks him to tell the lady that she has to pay the fare. He goes over to her and says, “Bubbe, ihr darf areynvarfn gelt in de pishka,” (You have to pay the fare.) She looks at him and says, “Ikh vays.” (I know.) “Fuck him.”
The next two, were told with accents ( the first, Italian; the second French Canadian), and are about honeymoon couples on a train. The jokes are funny without the accents, but not without the f word:
3. A couple, Luigi and Virginia, on their honeymoon, were taking the train from New York to Miami. They had reserved a sleeping compartment, and packed a basket with food and wine to enjoy on the trip. They were in the club car and decided to have a bite. When they opened the basket, the conductor told them, no eating. Food is to be consumed in the dining car. They moved to the dining car. When they took out the wine, the conductor told them that drinking alcoholic beverages is to be done in the bar car. They moved to the bar car. The hour was getting late and they decided to go to their sleeping compartment and consummate their marriage. As they got into bed, the conductor announced, “No fuck Virginia.”
4. A couple, Pierre and Marie, on their honeymoon, were taking the train from Bangor, in central Maine, to Caribou, in northern Maine. They had reserved a sleeping compartment and were enjoying the sights, but Pierre was anxious to consummate the marriage. He kept urging Marie to come with him to their compartment, but she demurred. This was her first time on an overnight train and she was having a grand time looking out the window and wandering through the cars. She kept ignoring Pierre’s urging. However, there was a problem on the tracks, and the train kept stopping every few miles. Marie had entered the club car and was sitting behind two hunters who were getting more and more upset about the delays. She heard one of them say, “Damn it, by the time we get to Caribou the fucking season will be over.” Marie rushed back, grabbed Pierre and jumped into bed.
Original Format
application/msword
Citation
Jacob Schlitt, “Funny Jokes Using the F Word,” Autobiographical stories & other writing by Jacob Schlitt, accessed May 2, 2024, https://tsirlson.omeka.net/items/show/143.